Great news: The Republican Party is now officially just as weird and drunk-uncle-ish as Donald Trump, the convicted felon the party is rolling out as its presidential candidate/democracy saboteur.
On Monday, the Republican National Committee’s platform committee adopted the strangest document ever created and declared it the party’s new official platform. It was less a serious expression of a party’s values and plans for governing and more a reminder that Republicans think actual policy proposals are for woke ninnies and American voters should just shut up and let billionaires control things.
The title of the document is: “2024 GOP PLATFORM MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” Yes, there is punctuation – presumably a colon – missing from that title. And yes, there is an exclamation point at the end of that title, which should serve as a reminder that this is a wildly unserious political party.
But don’t worry, it gets far, far worse.
RNC platform is an all-caps mess of Trumpian promises
The preamble is replete with random capitalizations and other MAGA-inspired assaults on the English language. Take this line, for example: “But now we are a Nation in SERIOUS DECLINE.”
That “SERIOUS” foreshadows an all-caps 20-point list that makes up the party platform, letting the reader know that SERIOUS things are ALWAYS written in ALL CAPS to demonstrate their SERIOUSNESS. (Of note, the Republican Party abandons its evangelical base by not calling for a national abortion ban or defining marriage as being strictly between a man and a woman.)
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Trump’s GOP platform is heavy on scare tactics, light on details
The 20 “promises” that make up the “2024 GOP Platform to Make America Great Again!” begin with some good old-fashioned dangerous xenophobia and a promise to sweep across America and round up millions of immigrants:
- SEAL THE BORDER, AND STOP THE MIGRANT INVASION
- CARRY OUT THE LARGEST DEPORTATION OPERATION IN AMERICAN HISTORY
No. 3 is a simple “END INFLATION, AND MAKE AMERICA AFFORDABLE AGAIN,” which sparks the question: If y’all have some magic beans that will end inflation, why are you holding on to them?
Leave it to Trump’s GOP to randomly capitalize words for no reason
The fourth promise includes an exclamation point, just to remind readers this is all very stupid: MAKE AMERICA THE DOMINANT ENERGY PRODUCER IN THE WORLD, BY FAR!
There’s the usual anti-woke gibberish, like CANCEL THE ELECTRIC VEHICLE MANDATE and KEEP MEN OUT OF WOMEN’S SPORTS.
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Otherwise, the actual platform of a party that thinks it should be trusted with governing is basically a bunch of randomly capitalized words – PREVENT WORLD WAR THREE, REBUILD OUR CITIES – generated, I assume, by an authoritarian-leaning artificial intelligence that was fed a Trump rally transcript.
Surely, this party platform is missing a few items Trump wants
What struck me most, though, was the absence of promises I’m sure Trump himself wanted to get in there. Stuff like CANCEL ALL FUTURE VOTING CUZ IT’S DUM and CUT FEDERAL FUNDING FOR ANY SCHOOL THAT DOES NOT TEACH STUDENTS THAT DONALD TRUMP WON THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AND IS THE BEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME.
But that’s neither here nor there.
What matters is that this sub-kindergarten gibberish is what Democrats are running against. Should they get around to deciding whether President Joe Biden is too old to be their nominee, they’ve got a decent chance of winning because a lot of Americans think stuff like “STOP THE MIGRANT INVASION” is fearmongering nonsense.
Unlike Republican Party and Trump, Democratic Party shows maturity in considering Biden’s future
The very fact that Democrats are hashing out Biden’s future following his woeful presidential debate performance shows the party is approximately 9 billion times more serious than the GOP.
Look at it this way:
Biden showed his age during one debate, and it launched widespread Democratic soul-searching and consideration of the future.
Trump lost the last presidential election, got convicted of multiple crimes and spews hateful rhetoric like an angry sprinkler. What do Republicans do? They embrace him and let him dictate a party platform that effectively says: “I CANS HAS LIBERTY!”
We’ll know soon enough whether Biden will continue as the Democratic standard-bearer. Until then, look over the platform that the other side is promoting.
It’ll make you wonder if they’re really up to the job.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk